I obsess about things on a regular basis. It's just part of me. When I'm faced with a question or dilemma, I have to solve it. There are plenty of things aside from my place on the "sexual spectrum" that I could, and likely, should, be obsessing over. Where should I start looking for work since my job might go away in February? How can I help my S.O. deal with the desire to transition and the fear of jobloss/familyloss/friendlessness that could come from it? How can I help another transitioning friend? My conversion, which is still, as yet, to happen because 5768 sucked so horribly?

5769 is looking a lot better. I got that new job just before Rosh Hashannah. My Love and I are finally figuring out what book we're both reading so we can get on the same page. I found a job that would be perfect if I could just figure out how to write the cover letter.

But, in spite of all this, all I can think about is whether or not the label "asexual" fits with me. Part of me is terrified because I do have a sex heavy history, though I didn't want it to be that way. And part of me doesn't know if, maybe, I'm just stone, which could be an issue in this relationship, since my partner is, most likely, asexual.

It's all just so confusing. I want things that feel good. Sex releases endorphins and feels good. I want things that make me feel good. When someone wants to have sex with me, it makes me feel good.

But does that mean I like sex? Does that mean I want to have sex? I was trying to think about it in terms of the actual, used definition of asexual on AVEN. So I've been asking myself, have I ever found anyone sexually attractive? Well, how would I know?

All the answers in my head just seem so juvenile. Maybe it's just the programming of society messing with my head.

Anyway, this is how I feel, in a nutshell, when I look at someone I think is "hot":

Vin Diesel: Yes, I think he's hot. I want to touch his ripply muscles. I want to hear his voice rumble from his chest as he speaks softly to me. I want to feel the warmth of his body next to mine. When I sit there and look at him, or say I think he's "

That's all it let me write before stupid livejournal gave out. I'll fix it when I get home with my movie...stupid LJ...

Tags: asexual, sexuality, talking it out
Current Mood: aggravated