Me

so, what, you want me to drop my drawers?

Fri, 29 May 2009 04:18:42 GMT

So I go to get smokes this evening from the store down my street. The guy running the register has sold to me before, no problems. Today, after verifying my age and telling me the total, he decides to card me. Again, this is AFTER he had almost completed the sale, too late to card by company standards. So I hand him my driver's license, and he then starts throwing a fit because it says "F". The store wasn't empty and I really didn't feel comfortable sharing with half the neighbourhood why it stated that, so I offered another form of ID and to take off my hat. He asked, when I told him it was mine, "So are you a woman, sir?" That and showing my ID to the line is what sent me over the top.

So, I get to call my corporate headquarters tomorrow. YAY!

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:07:06 GMT

I feel like I'm standing, shackled to the tracks, while a shinkansen speeds towards me.

W00t!

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 02:21:47 GMT

I now officially have a job. I start tomorrow night at 2200. I am officially excited and looking forward to stories of idiots and drunk people!

Irritated

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 04:31:31 GMT

I'm irritated. It seems I can't do anything right. I wasn't trying to demonize, demoralize, or degrade anyone. I was trying to be objective. I just can't find that stupid happy medium between "openness and honesty" and "lies and deceit". My beliefs always seem to get in the way of other people's lives. That is not the motivation!

It was supposed to be a great day. Then it turned into what was going to look like an afternoon and evening. Then it turned into a night. That cut whittled down to two hours. Two LOUSY FUCKING HOURS with the man I love, when he gives so much of himself to everyone else. Yeah, I know, I'm a selfish asshole for actually wanting to see my boyfriend. Well, ya know what, occassionally I actually need shit, like someone to fucking talk to, and, for whatever dumb ass reason, I actually trust him. It's fucking bogus bullshit.

And I couldn't put this in the place that's comfortable because HE READS THE COMFORTABLE, which makes it uncomfortable! GAR!

I honestly don't even know why I'm with him anymore. It's complete and total bullshit. I just want to tell him to go fuck himself and that I don't want to be part of his life anymore. I can't keep offering to help him, only to get turned down, and then that be the reason my life is shit. I'm not shit! Dammit, mother fucker, I'm the man that loves you, so go fuck yourself if you wanna treat me like shit! IT'S NOT FUCKING OKAY ANYMORE!!!!

And yet, nothing seems to be making it any better. Nothing is making the pain go away. And you know why I think that is? Well, you were warned about the gratuitous self-righteousness...

It's because, for the past year, I have been asking, requesting, and sometimes outright BEGGING that prick to sit down and have an adult conversation about an adult relationship, and he's BLATANTLY REFUSED!!!!!

I keep feeling like I'm wasting my time, but I also don't want to leave him when he seems to need someone. He asked me to take him back this time, not the other way around.

I feel trapped........

And with all that, the thing that pisses me off most is that I feel like G-d broke up with me.

I just wanna write

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 18:16:14 GMT

I don't really know where this is gonna go. I've been having that artistic itch for a while now, so I'm just gonna start going and where ever I end up is where I end up.

See, I used to have an opendiary.com account, a way, WAY, (read, over ten years) long time ago. In my opendiary I started a story series that seemed popular, and I loved doing it. I'm really thinking of starting that over again. It's something I've been wanting to write for years, so I figure, hey, why not?

Well, you see, I've got all this time on my hands, and I will continue to misappropriate that time until I can relieve the stress that comes along with the reason for HAVING all that time, so I thought maybe writing might help. I blogged on my myspace and, honestly, it was like blogarhea, so I came over here to write some more. I said I was going to write about something I didn't want to write about, and, well, thus far I have yet to do that.

The thing that makes me most uncomfortable, that I really don't want to write about, is my issues with finally coming to terms with my asexuality and then jumping back on T before I was ready to, well, jump back on T. It gives me this super libido, and I am almost constantly aroused. Sex is something I've thought for a long time should be shared beautifully by two people who care for eachother. I can understand friends with benifits, and I've explored my sexuality with others I didn't know well. There's nothing wrong with that for some people. For me, however, it just doesn't cut it.

Then again, sex isn't something I am mentally comfortable with, anyway. Relationships, to me, are very much what most people would probably call "immature" or "childlike". Sex is not part of them in any way. At least, in my mind. Yes, there are those times where my desire for intimacy comes across in physical ways, but going below the neck is not something that really turns me on. What does get me going, though, is pleasuring my partner. I am, after all, a people pleaser. I want to make other people happy by whatever means necessary.

And I have done just that, time and time again. The first time was akin to rape. I said no, repeatedly, and she said yes, and it got physical. The next time I was simply like, "Look, I'm going to just be upfront and say I'm stone, so I don't want you to do these things" and she said, "Well, then, you need to get out of my house." Don't quite know how to catalogue that.

The third was the same as the first, only, I never really got the chance to say no since she was close to 400 pounds and I was, well, about 120 at the time. On a twin bed, with her on top, it just didn't work out in my favor. The fourth girl was the same as the second. She wanted to give it, and there were no if's, and's, or but's about it. She was going to get what she wanted, and what she wanted happened to be me, for whatever reason.

Now I'm with a great guy, who also happens to be asexual, but doesn't understand his own sexuality because it's tied into his dysphoria, so things are a little disfunctional. I happen to like kissing necks. The first place I ever kissed him was the left side of his neck, around the back, and I almost made it around to the right before he turned around and grabbed me into the kiss. It was really an amazing moment for me, one I will likely recall until the day I die...unless, of course, I have to battle alzheimers, which, yeah, I don't feel like reliving my grandma's last days, so we're gonna stop with that.

But now I know that it's okay to not want sex. I accept that. I accept the fact that in my search for intimacy I have have taken sex in it's place, and I know I don't want to make that same mistake again. But what I haven't come to terms with yet is the fact that my body now wants sex pretty much 24/7. That is NOT okay in my book. My brain says I need to study, but my body tells my brain it's time to get laid, so those thoughts are constantly creeping in. I think I've finally figured out why.

See, I've always been one of those, especially when defending myself as a transguy, who constantly touts, "The brain rules the body, not the other way around", so how would it make sense that this little part of me (I'm not gonna lie, I'm comfortable with my small manhood) can seemingly take over every aspect of my life? The answer, as I'm coming to hypothesize, is simple: The brain registers a change in blood flow. Said bloodflow causes a change in sensitivity. This change in sensivity used to only be related to direct stimuli from another person. Therefore, the normal bloodflow changes caused by Testosterone which increase the sensitivity to my member bring about memories of being directly stimulated by another person, causing me to think of sex, and, therefore, having a physiological response to the mental stimuli, I become aroused and want sex. (Yeah, I know, ya'll REALLY wanted to know that.)

So, yeah, that's pretty much what's been driving me insane, along with the fact that I can't seem to find a job and, when I do, I can't hold it unless it's a job where I am treated like so much fecal matter on the bottom of one's shoe. But, that is a post for another day, as I am craving nicotine and need to take my antibiotic.

And why does the little artistic guy look like he's doing the white man's overbite?

Have a great day, mother fucker!

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 18:24:48 GMT

I don't like being treated like shit. I really don't. I'm pretty pissed off about it. I'm not one of those that thinks the world has to revolve around me. In fact, it's quite the opposite, I wish I could just fade away and be forgotten about. But when I call someone to try and be nice, and they meet that with an attitude, and then I inquire about it only to be ignored, and then they get mad that I made an assumption, I get pretty pissed. I was just trying to be a nice fucking guy.

Things never work out right. I'm sick of getting either blown off or not mattering at all to the people I care about most, and the worst part of? They don't want to correct me on it. "Why should I?" Well, I'll tell you why you should: because I care enough to let you know I fucking care, so why can't you?

And it's not just one person, so don't think I'm just talking about you. Heh, I guess I finally get that song You're So Vein now. And, yes, I realize I'm all fucked up in the head, but you know what, would it kill people to call and sincerely ask and care about how I'm doing? To listen once in a while? Most of the people I talk to on a regular basis don't seem to. They inquire and then simply go off about their own lives and become too busy to listen to mine.

Well, let me tell you about what's been going on in my life.

I lost my job, again. After six months the company decided they wanted to make a bigger profit and subcontracted out all our work. Being transgendered doesn't help with the job search because people can actually use that, legally, as a reason not to hire me. And that pisses me off. I'm sick of being discriminated against. I have been most of my life. Growing up in a city where you could be whatever you were, so long as you were something, which I wasn't. I was a mixed kid. I was too black to hang out with the white kids and too white to hang out with the black kids. The Puerto Rican kid had friends, because he was Puerto Rican, he wasn't mixed. When I moved to this shit hole of a city everyone assumed I was Hispanic. You know how many little old ladies have cussed me out because I don't speak Spanish and I need to know my heritage? Well, bitch, let me go learn Gaelic, German, or an African language and I'll get back to you. Danke. Then it was the same with work. If I didn't lose my job because of I was being harrassed for being mixed, it was because I was a dyke. Well, fuck your close-minded objectives you old, crotchety cunts (is that a redundant statement?) because I aint leaving queerville anytime soon.

And now, I'm back to where I get told on a regular basis that I need to know my fucking heritage. Well, you fuckers need to stop being prejudiced bastards and pricks and actually learn that there are other shades of brown than Hispanic.

So, yeah, I'm a little worried I won't be able to find a job because I'm a freak. I'm a little worried I'm going to work for another racist prick. I'm a little worried my relationship is falling apart.

Thanks for not fucking asking.

How's your day?

severly depressed

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 22:26:06 GMT

i'm lost. again. my heart's been broken. i'm broken. i didn't think it was possible for my heart to break after everything, but i was wrong. i just want to cry. i just want to disappear. i don't want to be here anymore. i think i'm going to hit a meeting at 6, but i don't know. i can't take the waiting anymore. i'm falling apart. she's destroying me because i'm letting her. i can't do this anymore but i promised her i would. i promised to keep going. all i want to do is scream. to destroy myself. i feel worthless. and all of these feelings partly stem from not having friends. but all of these feelings are responsible for not having friends.

FUCK!

epic fail!

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 22:50:55 GMT

So I discovered the failblog today! It's histerycal! EPIC FAIL ON SPELLING, LOLZ!

so, yeah, gonna put some stuff here cause, yeah, it's motherfucking hysterical!

Worst parking job ever:

This shouldn't be funny, but, despite my current status, it is...

this confuses my asexual self's journey to discovery

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 01:06:56 GMT

stupid stupid stupid

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:21:32 GMT

I slept through the stupid freaking meeting cause this stupid phone's alarm can't go off if there's another alert.

And now Gold's Gym has sent my account to collections after I've made payment arrangements. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be on hold with these people, but, eh...I'll sit here for about another ten minutes (much longer than my usual 5) so I can get this shit taken care of.

I hate this. I don't want to deal with the remnants of 5768 in 5769 when I'm still having the same problems.

There is a difference, though. I've grown a lot. I no longer have to struggle with blaming G-d. Job didn't even struggle with it, he just accepted that HaShem had some plan in mind and praised Him.

I wish I was more like Job.

I'm tired

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 15:03:26 GMT

And possibly getting to the point of being a little cranky...

So work was a bit boring (read, nothing at all happened) and I had a lot of trouble staying awake. My rabbi moved our phone meeting to 9am...don't know if I can stay awake that long, nor how conversational I will be by that point. It'll be getting close to the 24 hour point.

I tried looking up my old boss on google with absolutely no luck. Kind of makes me wonder. I can find myself on google, and I haven't done much, but I can't find this guy who has supposedly done so much. I'm seriously thinking about emailing ADP to ensure I'm actually going to receive the appropriate paperwork for my taxes.

I just got off the phone with my rabbi, now an hour after I completed that last sentence. The phone call was mediocre. I'm so tired nothing really seemed to make sense. It was a great conversation, though, and I learned things, which is always good (great, even), and was helpful to an extent.

Right now I'm looking up "ger toshav" (I really need to learn how to input Hebrew with the keyboard) that she mentioned. She also suggested I contact Rabbi Greenberg about an his thoughts on me having an Orthodox Conversion.

That's it, I'm tired, and I'm going to bed!

Instead

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:17:41 GMT

So, instead of continuing on and attempting to reformulate my post that was completely destroyed yesterday (which I might still do at a later time), I'm just going to continue with something completely different.

I simply feel lost. Completely and entirely lost in my life. I don't even really know what's important to me anymore and am unsure, at times, what I believe. I don't know if I even want to believe in anything at all.

I know I believe in G-d. I know what I believe G-d is. I believe in Torah, and that it was given to us as a road map. A road map to where, and to serve what purpose, I don't know, but that doesn't matter. The Almighty gave it to us, and, as our Creator, should be trusted to get us where we need to go.

But when it comes to halacha, I simply don't have an answer. I want to trust the sages, but the people who follow the sages seem to count me out. It's as if I don't exist because I'm different. I'm not the normative, so I can't be a real Jew.

But then there's this whole thing with trying to find a job. I don't have a formal education. I still feel victimized by the school system that decided, so heartbreakingly, to rip my IEP in half and deny me the help I was legally entitled to as a citizen of the United States. At times it simply feels like the United Fucktards of America. The only thing uniting us is our mutual hatred of each other.

How can I find a job when they all want me to have my High School Diploma or GED, but I can't get my GED when I don't have the money from a job? I'm stuck in this sick cycle of endless pain and anger and anguish. I'm horrified by the fact these people can't see past the tip of their noses. I have great skills to offer, an excellent work ethic, but none of it matters because all they can see is a lack of a little piece of paper which means absolutely nothing. And forgive me for actually wanting to get a real High School Diploma at the ripe old age of 25.

I'm sorry you people think I'm stupid, but I've been tutoring college students in multiple subjects since I was 12 or 13 years old. I'm that guy that was getting paid $50 his Freshman year of High School to write someone's college paper for a third year composition class. I'm the guy that tutored Accounting over the phone to a friend halfway across the country after taking zero Accounting classes in his entire life!

Still think I'm stupid?

I'm grateful to HaShem for the blessings of my brain and ability to learn quickly and everything else I've been given. But, admittedly, I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do. How am I supposed to use these things? I've been granted such a blessing as this intense passion to try to fix what's so horribly wrong with the world, but I can't get anyone to listen to me. I'm great at starting protests and riots, as certain managers of a certain movie theatre in Atlanta can attest to (that was awesome seeing so many people decide to just go along with one persons words and sit down all at the same time and refuse to leave without appropriate compensation for the movies we couldn't see do to a power failure, not to mention the manager who decided to insult us all horribly).

How do I use these gifts?

How do I fight for people when I don't even know who I am?

I'm so confused.

I started off on writing this to attempt to write about how I feel my thoughts and feelings of love and intimacy are juvenile and I've wound up here, someplace completely different. Maybe it's because I feel I will, by default, be a bad Jew.

I'm a transman who is dating a possible transman and neither of us, if this does last forever, is likely to have children. The person I'm dating will probably never want children and physically cannot bear them. I will never be able to afford it unless I land some off the wall job that pays me $100,000/year and has the best benefits imaginable. I also might be asexual, so I wouldn't really be pleasing my spouse, since they are most likely asexual, so where does that leave me?

Oh, and did I mention that I can't find a job in my city that will actually allow me to have Shabbos off? Or how about the job that didn't want me to take off for Pesah? Guess who my boss was? If you didn't answer "a Jew" you'd be wrong.

That's why, for a time there, I didn't want anything to do with any congregation. The anti-semitic words, like the time I was told it was completely justifiable for the cop to insult me and make me feel as if I didn't belong on the property of a Synagogue because I look "middle eastern". Um, I'm sorry, please forgive, but, aren't Arabs and Jews both middle eastern people? Or every time I'm told that "all Arabs should die for what they've done". There have been instances of extremists Jews, so get your head out of your ass! (that's not something that would go over well at the Oneg, eh?) And then to put so much into my studies and into following halacha and be told that I shouldn't do those things because I'm not a Jew, but every piece of reading material I was given told me to do those things...

And getting stabbed in the back by my boss didn't help things, either. That's when I decided to take a step back and just focus on rebuilding what felt like a destroyed relationship with HaShem. It took me further and further away from the community, and deeper and deeper within myself.

I almost broke down on Yom Kippur.

Okay, so maybe I actually did breakdown on Yom Kippur.

The break the fast they provide every year I couldn't afford. It was a $15 cover. I didn't have the $15. I still don't have the $15. And it makes me extremely sad. I don't like hand outs. I could understand if I was being forced to continue fasting because I didn't have food at home, but I DID have food at home. I specifically made food before Erev Yom Kippur to have to break my fast, but they all wanted me there.

Yom Kippur just brought up so much pain.

For a time I was homeless when I lived in Savannah. Those Winter nights on bus benches, pretending to wait for the bus, but really trying to sleep. Not being able to eat because I didn't have any money because my brother took all of it for "rent" so he could make a down payment on a car because he never made the payments on the other one and let it get repossessed. Finally almost passing out because I hadn't eaten in a week and was pumped full of ephedrine because I wasn't able to sleep and my bosses forcing me to eat and actually sobbing because I couldn't eat something if I didn't pay for it.

And all the days in the Summer of 5768 that I didn't eat. All the days where I just lay in bed all night, trying not to cry, because I was hungry. Or only having rice and beans. For G-d's sake I was a kitchen manager making $550 a week at one point, and here I was, a guy working at Denny's, again, but not making more than gas money. I wasn't even making minimum wage, but had no way to prove it because they just kept calling me a liar.

And now that I'm just about to get back on my feet, I'm just about to get all my bills caught up on the 2 of February, just about to be able to afford to put money into my savings, and I'm getting screwed out of a job again. My bosses never came to work for most of December and corporate is starting to come down on them and saying that we have 6 to 8 weeks to either get new business or find new jobs.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.

HaShem won't help those who won't help themselves. But how can I help myself when I don't know what to do?

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 04:51:40 GMT

I obsess about things on a regular basis. It's just part of me. When I'm faced with a question or dilemma, I have to solve it. There are plenty of things aside from my place on the "sexual spectrum" that I could, and likely, should, be obsessing over. Where should I start looking for work since my job might go away in February? How can I help my S.O. deal with the desire to transition and the fear of jobloss/familyloss/friendlessness that could come from it? How can I help another transitioning friend? My conversion, which is still, as yet, to happen because 5768 sucked so horribly?

5769 is looking a lot better. I got that new job just before Rosh Hashannah. My Love and I are finally figuring out what book we're both reading so we can get on the same page. I found a job that would be perfect if I could just figure out how to write the cover letter.

But, in spite of all this, all I can think about is whether or not the label "asexual" fits with me. Part of me is terrified because I do have a sex heavy history, though I didn't want it to be that way. And part of me doesn't know if, maybe, I'm just stone, which could be an issue in this relationship, since my partner is, most likely, asexual.

It's all just so confusing. I want things that feel good. Sex releases endorphins and feels good. I want things that make me feel good. When someone wants to have sex with me, it makes me feel good.

But does that mean I like sex? Does that mean I want to have sex? I was trying to think about it in terms of the actual, used definition of asexual on AVEN. So I've been asking myself, have I ever found anyone sexually attractive? Well, how would I know?

All the answers in my head just seem so juvenile. Maybe it's just the programming of society messing with my head.

Anyway, this is how I feel, in a nutshell, when I look at someone I think is "hot":

Vin Diesel: Yes, I think he's hot. I want to touch his ripply muscles. I want to hear his voice rumble from his chest as he speaks softly to me. I want to feel the warmth of his body next to mine. When I sit there and look at him, or say I think he's "

That's all it let me write before stupid livejournal gave out. I'll fix it when I get home with my movie...stupid LJ...

d'aha!

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 10:03:33 GMT

I think I answered one of my own issues by trying to address a question on a forum...

This was my contribution, and, now that I've typed it out, I feel much better about everything I haven't written yet.

It was determined in the early 20th century that sexuality, in a whole, is a spectrum, not a set thing. Not but a very few people were 100% gay or 100% straight. Everyone was somewhere in the middle, some leaning more towards one end, and others towards the other end. It was a major study, and claimed, if I remember correctly, that 30% of the population was homosexual. Later, another study was done, which is where we get the 10% figure.

How can we prove this? Well, how many people can say that Brad Pitt is so unaesthetically pleasing that he makes them physically ill? If that's the case and you happen to be a masculine identified person, then you're straight. If you are not, then you are completely gay. This is, of course, not including sexuality/desire/attraction into the mix. More of a symmetrical thing, I would say.

But, as a transman, I have to say, gender, in and of itself, is also a spectrum. Just look at the people passing by. How many women still dress up with the makeup, the tall hair (I'm in Texas, it's kind of normal in parts here), the heals, the purse? And how many are dressed in all mens clothes, possibly with an oversized hoodie, yet are still women? How many people are in between?

We can take from what we see around us that gender, too, is a spectrum.

So why can't the asexual/sexually independent group of individuals be on a spectrum, also?

As yet another example, look at religion, at the "theists". I myself was raised (unfortunately) Protestant. How many denominations are there in Protestantism? It went from simply being Christianity, or Catholicism(ie, sexuality), to being Catholicism(heterosexuality) and Protestantism(homosexuality), to being split up into a hundred (at least) different things. But nothing in them is different. You still have to believe in (and, as I understand it, accept) Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, or, in this not quite so delicately written metaphor, you still have to have some sexuality.

BUT WAIT!

What about Judaism! It's a theism, isn't? We magen david wearers still believe in the wonders and creations of G-d. But where do we fit in the above? We don't quite. Even Islam has mention of Jesus. Ours is not so....positive, to not try and put beliefs in others mouths.

And yet Judaism has it's own spectrum, with the Orthodox, then Reform and Reconstructionism and Chasidic movements, then Conservative...and some others and, really, if you go to a beit midrash and speak to people, everyone has their own interpretation, so even the people on the outside are a spectrum!

So, with all of the above ramblings, why can't asexuality/sexual independence, be a spectrum, as well?

Sorry this is so long and quite possibly a poorly written post that could offend many, but I think it was the epiphany I've been looking for as an answer to the questions I couldn't quite ask.

part of the thing

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 06:22:34 GMT

I am again unsure of myself, and I am terrified of the answer.

I really should change my default pic since I used that at Channukkah 5768...hmmm...new one?

Anyway...

I'm worried that my entire relationship/sexual history was unnecessarily damaging and just plain unnecessary. I'm with someone who I can finally express myself to, but that doesn't really mean much in regards to my past. I never wanted to lose it to any of the people I was with. I never wanted to have that experience with them. With some it was eventually a beautiful thing, an intimate thing, filled with emotion and passion. With others it was "hurry up and get off already", or, with the last one, "just fucking cheat on me already, I don't want any!"

Without going into specifics as my extremely special someone is on their way, I'm worried that I only ever wanted it after the first few times because it felt good...like stepping into the bright sunlight on a winter day, getting into the cool pool on a hot summer day, eating a second serving of ice cream, or even completing that first 5k...it feels good, so we do it, again and again...so is that why I've done the things I've done with the people I've done them with?

Or is it something else? Could it be that I just want to feel wanted, to feel desired? If I really didn't want to have sex with someone, I wouldn't have sex with them (except, possibly, that one time, but I'll never be certain), so if someone REALLY didn't want me, they wouldn't have had sex with me, so therefore, to some degree, they wanted me, which makes me ok.

That seems like the thought process of my mind.

And, yes, sex feels AMAZING! Especially with someone I love and care for, but...there's still that *ick* factor, that, "I'm only doing this because it's expected by society" factor, that, "She says she'll leave me if I don't let her" factor...

And I hear the door...

hahahaha!

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:18:12 GMT

Wow, I haven't updated this thing in forever! It's funny that once you find the beginning of the answers you're seeking from elsewhere, and learn to find them from within, you forget where you originally got them. Now that I have more questions, I'm back again...

Okay, so maybe it's more sad than funny, but, eh, whatever, I have a dark sense of humor.

I've been dating this wonderful person for almost a year now and their openness is making me question things I thought (wrongly) I just had to learn to deal with, so now I'm questioning myself again. It's amazing that I could put myself at risk of losing every friend and family member I've ever had to change my gender to those around me, yet I can't accept the most private and intimate of things about me.

Hell, I don't even understand what's going on in my own head.

Wide awake and alone

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 08:07:54 GMT

It's 2am and the love of my life is crying herself to sleep. I can't take this. I don't know how to lessen her pain. I wish I had some words of wisdom for her. Some way to make things easier. I know that with time it shall all pass, but it won't go away.

For her, every blow is a set back, every set back a blow. When a relationship doesn't work out it's just one more piece of evidence that she should spend the rest of her life alone. It's never just not right with that person. Everyone, to her, is the same.

But, then again, if you tell her that's what she's doing, she gets angry and denies it. Out of the billions of people on this planet, why should she have to be lonely? Why should she have to think that she has to be lonely?

I don't know how to help her other than to listen to her, not judge her, and give her the space she asks for.

Since I work tonight

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 19:28:46 GMT

HAPPY CHANUKKAH!!!! Let's all enjoy the celebration of the miracles that occurred way back when which allowed us to have this holiday to rejoice in the miracle of life! We won back the Temple! We had Sukkot twice that year! And now we keep the meriment going! YAY!

Cat's multiply like bunnies...

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 02:41:02 GMT

So it's my Dad's birthday and we went to dinner at Martha's. Paddie stopped in to say hi, so nothing out of the ordinary there. I had left my body wash at her house a few weeks ago (HEY! I had another one at home, so I'm still a good, clean boy) and she had it in her truck, so we went out to grab it while Mom paid the bill. Lo and behold we here this crying sound. Couldn't figure out what it was at first, then realized it was a tiny little kitten, probably around 4 weeks old.

We just got two other kittens two months ago, rescued from a storm.

Now we have three kittens we have to somehow fix. I refuse to part with Sox (the one found this evening named due to her stocking feet and in honor of the Red Sox sweep of the Series). Sarge I'm in love with. And Sarge can't be away from his sister Stormy.

So, what's the big deal? I could take them to Snap! where they could get fixed for dirt cheap, and all is well, right? Not really...

See, Sarge is autistic. I know, I know, who's ever heard of an autistic cat? But, if you've ever been around a child with some form of autism, and then were to be around my four legged, furry son, you'd immediately have the same views.

So what's a little (24 year old) boy to do? I could easily part with Stormy since she's a single cat household kind of gal. But Sarge can't be away from her for more than 10 seconds without going ape shit. And Sox is just, well...she sat in my lap and let me love her for almost an hour.

OY!

On Dating or Lack Thereof

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 18:17:28 GMT

So I've been thinking a lot about dating. I want to date. I want to have that close, intimate relationship with someone, tell them everything I don't tell anyone else...but then there's that part of me...that carnal part that screams for physical anything that wants something I've never really been willing to have: another man.

I think why I was so afraid to date men before was because they would only see me as a woman. Now that I've been on T for a while and pass 100% I'm not so much afraid of that. What I am afraid of is that it does go against Torah. So I have to figure out what I am, and am not, willing to do.

I keep pretty much Kosher, pray regularly, and read from my Tanakh at least 3 times a week. So how can I honestly justify having homosexual relations with another man? It's pretty straight forward in there not to do such a thing, just as it says if we follow the commandments set forth by HaShem we'll have the rains in the proper time and food for the animals and ourselves.

Every night I lie awake and wonder these things, with fantasies of hot twinks dancing through my head. I've buried myself in exercise, prayer, and study to try and overcome these things, these illicit thoughts and cravings I'm finally allowing myself to feel. I don't understand how I could push them down for so long and now I struggle with them.

What changed? What caused these things to escape from the prison I gladly constrained them to? How did they break free?

Upgrade and Destroy

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 23:50:01 GMT

So I've spent a good bit of the past 36 hours upgrading Ubuntu and updating everything else I possibly can on my computer in the hopes that I will actually enjoy this OS. The last time I tried to install a different OS, it has failed miserably, which is not fun for me. I'm thinking of simply going back to XP, but setting up a dual boot with Slackware. I enjoyed Slackware...it was fun AND relatively easy to use.

And, of course, in the middle of everything, I get a call for a job interview. Which would be completely awesome if it weren't for the scheduling conflict that won't allow me to go. So I'm going to see if I can weasel my way into a different interview time, but we shall see.

And my hair is falling out extremely fast and I don't know why. I'm thinking it's the T, but I don't know if it's simply falling out due to genetics or because of something else. If I had the money to get the bloodwork done, I'd do so, but I don't right now...fun times.

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 04:35:08 GMT

Man, I so wanna move out of this town!

Let me describe San Antonio in a nutshell: Evil nexus of the universe.

San Antonio is the vortex where you go when you don't want to ever get out of the damned place! There's no going anywhere here. The people suck pretty hard, too.

I don't know if it's everywhere, though, but I know it wasn't quite like this in other places I've lived. So I want out. I'm going to go to the Starbucks job fair thing on Thursday and hopefully find something there. If not, I'll try the Starbucks here (see a trend there at all?) and try and save up for other things. I'm going to go open a new bank account tomorrow mornind so I can actually put my money someplace that wants me to save it. My current financial institution doesn't seem to understand that concept.

And I'm drinking an Asahi. It's actually really good. I'm not even done with the thing and I'm not quite all there right now, which is a nice feeling. This is the feeling I used to have everyday whenever I was awake. Now I want a cigarrette...I've gone all day without one, and now I want one...I think I might go get one, but we'll see just how far gone I am here in a minute...it's sad, really, since I used to drink an entire bottle of Popov (my bestest of old friends) and then go to work and be fine.

austin

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 14:10:28 GMT

finally, i'm allowed to update my lj...wouldn't let me do anything before...

anyhoo, i went to austin yesterday. i spent a week talking to people and surfing around trying to find cool things to do. i found a TON of things to do...problem is, i never looked up parking garages, so i basically just spent four hours driving around austin looking for a place to park before finally heading home and eating some chimi's out of my freezer. while the food in austin may have been great and i'd love to try it, do they have vegetarian jalapeno cheese chimichangas 10 for a dollar? i think not!

as soon as i jumped off 35, i saw this chick with a sign that said, "I've spent all my money, can I spend yours too? 4:20" random. then there was a guy with a sign for food/water/cash, but there were two other guys who just wanted work.

fifteen years ago i left florida the day before the mountain dew slurpee came out. there are no slurpee serving places (aka, 7 11) in san antonio. so i did accomplish that.

and the whole foods up there...OMG! HUGE! they have about six different restaurants inside of it and it took me forty five minutes just to find the entrance to the parking garage to leave it.

never really found the suburban area.

other than that, i've basically just been loosing my mind a little every day.

why

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 02:27:08 GMT

that's it...just...why?

Tue, 29 May 2007 04:48:47 GMT

So, yeah, life has been pretty hectic lately. I'm worried my one close friend I have here I might lose. We haven't really been on the best of terms lately...

It seems everytime I try for something, strive to have what I want in life, I lose something else important to me.

I'm leaving my job as soon as I find a new one. I can't take it there anymore. The hardest part is going to find a job that pays the bills AND allows me to attend the religious services I need to.