I am again unsure of myself, and I am terrified of the answer.

I really should change my default pic since I used that at Channukkah 5768...hmmm...new one?

Anyway...

I'm worried that my entire relationship/sexual history was unnecessarily damaging and just plain unnecessary. I'm with someone who I can finally express myself to, but that doesn't really mean much in regards to my past. I never wanted to lose it to any of the people I was with. I never wanted to have that experience with them. With some it was eventually a beautiful thing, an intimate thing, filled with emotion and passion. With others it was "hurry up and get off already", or, with the last one, "just fucking cheat on me already, I don't want any!"

Without going into specifics as my extremely special someone is on their way, I'm worried that I only ever wanted it after the first few times because it felt good...like stepping into the bright sunlight on a winter day, getting into the cool pool on a hot summer day, eating a second serving of ice cream, or even completing that first 5k...it feels good, so we do it, again and again...so is that why I've done the things I've done with the people I've done them with?

Or is it something else? Could it be that I just want to feel wanted, to feel desired? If I really didn't want to have sex with someone, I wouldn't have sex with them (except, possibly, that one time, but I'll never be certain), so if someone REALLY didn't want me, they wouldn't have had sex with me, so therefore, to some degree, they wanted me, which makes me ok.

That seems like the thought process of my mind.

And, yes, sex feels AMAZING! Especially with someone I love and care for, but...there's still that *ick* factor, that, "I'm only doing this because it's expected by society" factor, that, "She says she'll leave me if I don't let her" factor...

And I hear the door...

Tags: asexual, sexuality, uncertainty
Current Location: home
Current Mood: discontent